


Stages of grief

by PagieCake



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Marvel Universe, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2021-03-30
Packaged: 2021-04-25 02:21:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22258828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PagieCake/pseuds/PagieCake
Summary: Bucky Barnes and Natasha Romanoff are invincible counterparts, and they do not even think about losing the other. But one day everything turns out different …This story is translated from Hungarian based on a fanfiction of mine from 2018. It's loosely tied to the movies and more based on the comics.Since I'm not English there might be some grammatical errors, please inform me about them if you find one.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	1. Prolouge

Without a fear of death, she jumped from the edge of the helicarrier. Naturally, for Natasha (who even turned a 4,000-meter jump into a light ballet movement), this kind of mission didn’t cause any problems. Not for Bucky. Ever since he remembered how his father had died on that parachute mission in his teens, his strong fear of heights seemed to have returned. 

“Jump Barnes!” He heard Fury through the transceiver in his ear. Then the headmaster continued with a lighter voice. “The air portals were designed by Mr. Fantastic, these are the only way you can sneak into Doom’s mansion undetected.” 

“And are you sure that everything Mr. Fantastic makes works perfectly all the time?” Bucky stepped out into the emptiness below him and began to fall. 

“I trust Richards’ abilities …” The line went dim. 

Bucky saw Natasha not far away in the whistling wind. The agent laughed. It wouldn’t be her if she didn’t enjoy this task.

The portal slowly approached them, and it absorbed the pair, transporting them in space into the mansion.

Bucky was in grave danger of vomiting as he tried to get up from a rather ungraceful landing. Natasha landed next to him with ease. She was not so bothered by the rapid change of space. 

“What is James?” She teased him. “Are you already tired? Do you have the task’s details? I help, vomiting is not covered by any of the points.” 

“Break into Doom’s estate.” Bucky bounced back. “And stop his project, which the government hasn’t allowed.” 

“Bravo! Now, get yourself together!” 

“Yes, ma’am!” 

The relationship between the two was deeper than the friendship required at work. Bucky loved Natasha, Natasha loved Bucky. Ever since the Red Room, so it was a logical decision for Fury to send them in pairs for missions. Clint had some objections about that, but he couldn’t do anything after all. James, even in his own judgment, was more charming than he was. But not Clint could not complain, he had enough work with Kate Bishop.

Bucky wondered what other traps might be in their way while they were quietly sneaking through the hallways. Heat and pressure sensors (no problem), soldiers (easy), Dr. Doom himself (risky but not impossible. His unknown, illegitimate weapon project - no idea). These reasons were not yet enough to turn them back. 

Until the alarm sounded. Natasha paused. 

“What have we not noticed?” She asked. 

“I do not know.” Even the Winter Soldier’s confidence was shaken a little. The power of surprise was no longer with them. “We’re retreating!” 

“No! We are here to finish this mission, not to fail it!” 

Not waiting for a response, Natasha started running, followed by her partner, but he was far left behind. Lost in the maze of red-lighted corridors. He could not rely on his hearing in the loud noise of the sirens.

By the time he reached the hall representing the heart of the house, dozens of soldiers lay frozen in the blood behind him.

And Doom was there, with Natasha, who was trapped in his claws. Bucky was expected to arrive, and he was welcomed with more than twenty pistol barrels pointing at him. 

“Let her go and we’ll leave!” He tried to hit his strongest voice. 

“No one is left alive who dears to bother Dr. Doom’s house and its people!” Doom’s words thundered between the walls. “Agents are being sent to stop me from pursuing my ambitious plans! This is not the day when I will fail! Kill him!” Then he pushed Nathash in front of a group of his soldiers. 

“No!” But it was too late. Bucky had never seen fear in her eyes before, yet when the bullets hit her body, she seemed to be scared and alone. Only she existed as if she had been shipwrecked in the middle of the great sea. She even cried out for help, but she had already known there is no hope for her. 

At that moment, an explosion shook the room and cracks ripped through the ceiling. 

Without thinking, Bucky threw himself at Natasha, screaming because of the impact of the debris hitting his back. His instincts have long told him that his companion, his love, is gone. Even as the dust settled, he curled over the body of hers. He sobbed quietly while still defending Natasha’s lifeless form. A firm hand gripped his shoulder. 

“Barnes …” It was Fury. His voice was unusually broken. 

"Everything happened so…” Bucky groaned, lifting his weight from the body. Natasha’s face was covered with dust, her eyes staring at the ceiling, or rather just in its place. 

“… fast. We were already on our way, but it was late.” 

Fury closed the lifeless eyes forever. 

“Hand over the body, soldier!” 

“No!” Bucky shouted, clutching Natasha. He stroked the red curls as if like that he can make life return into her. 

“No…” He cried. The events were just beginning to materialize in him. “She could nor die! Take her, examine her!” 

“You can see that she is been fatally wounded. The best we can do…” 

“No.” 

Bucky stood, with his lover’s body in his arms. 

“I’ll take her with you wherever you send her.”

“In this case, follow me.” Fury led him. Bucky was stricken with severe nausea when he saw his own bloody gown and prosthesis. He didn’t own a single drop of that red liquid. Other times he would have been ashamed that others see him cry, but he didn’t care now. He let him quell his painful cries resound in the quinjet carrying them…


	2. First phase: Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The mourners feel emotionally paralyzed and emaciated, but they also tend to break a lot of emotions. In many cases, the bereaved may not be able to think clearly and speak, which may seem indifferent to others. Rejection may occur not only in the first stage but also later in the processing. In a good case, this is a temporary defense, replaced by partial acceptance of the situation. ''

Fury acquitted him from service for weeks but also sent him to a psychologist. He didn't go to the doctor to talk about what happened, and that didn't surprise anyone. He felt tired, for days he sat alone and looked at front of himself, focusing on nothing. At other times he sobbed, his stomach jumping into knots, sickness coming over him. He survived these attacks by lying on the ground, hugging himself, so that way he won't feel that lonely. It soon became clear to everyone that Bucky Barnes could no longer be sent on missions. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. moved him to a sheltered house away from everything and everyone. 

Bucky's life was dismal. Emptiness choked him from the inside. 

Sometimes he turned on the TV and watched commemorations of Natasha. Once he saw Steve talking about the "unfortunate event." His grief seemed honest, but he never went to see James. He didn't mind that. He needed no sorry. 

He still couldn't believe it. The perfect, adroit Natasha couldn't die. He trained her himself. She could defend herself from anyone, she fought against the Chitauri and Ultron, yet Dr. Doom became her end. He was unable to process this.

He would have given everything to see the red strands once more spread in the morning sunlight on the pillow, as they slept together after a long day. If he could the perfect kiss of her wild lips and the smell of the material of her dress used in the missions just once more. 

His heart was bitter. He couldn't think of anything. He just stared at the screen and Steve's sorrowful face, then Avengers's. According to Clint, this wouldn't have happened if Natasha went on a mission with him. The words didn't even reach his consciousness. As if he didn't know how to feel, and wished it was true. 

Days later, Steve visited him. He would have liked to slam the door at the Captain's face, but he didn't even stand up from the couch to greet him. He was watching the TV, the speculations in it about who was responsible for Natasha's death. 

"Buck ..." Steve sat down next to him. 

"Go Rogers." Bucky cut in his word. 

"I thought I just check on you." 

"Fury sent you right?" 

"Fury knows you're not going back. He deleted your files and every information about you. You are free." 

"I hope you are not surprised if I can't express my joy at all."

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"No." 

"You did not attend the press conference. The media has labeled you indifferent to the case." 

Bucky was silent. He was deeply angry with the statement his friend had told him. But his emotions did not appear on his face. 

"I don't know what I could have said Steve. I would have been blamed for everything that happened." 

"This is not true." 

"Tell Clint." 

"Clint's just mad. He loved Tasha very much." 

"Me too." 

Steve sighed. 

"I know pal. "Then he glanced at the TV. He reached for the remote control. "Why are you looking at these?"

"Because this is the truth." 

"No!" 

"How would you know you weren't there." 

"I just know." 

\- Now you can't even judge me anymore reasonably." 

"I do not want to." 

"You should." 

Steve sighed, his two blue eyes hanging over his friend's face. 

"Will you come to her funeral?" 

"We are going bury her this so soon?" 

"We have to. But there will be no one but us. The Avengers and you." 

"That's just enough." 

"She would want you to be there ..." 

"That's why I'm going. I loved Natasha ..."


	3. Second Phase: Anger

_"Emotion breaks out with anger. For those in the mourner's immediate vicinity, this is the hardest thing to bear because emotions radiate to everyone. The mourner looks for the responsible, sometimes they are angry with the deceased, although they do not admit it. They may also blame themselves for the death, in which case they will be full of guilt, especially if they have not maintained a great relationship with the deceased. Many get stuck in this phase and appear depressed, but this is not because of the suppression of pain, but because they are unable to think of anything else. After the funeral, they seem to be alternating a variety of emotional states uncontrollably, such as relief, anger, sadness, fear, guilt, depression, etc. In many cases, physical symptoms can also occur loss of appetite, insomnia, weakness, dizziness, chest pains, and digestive problems. "_

The dry lawn was dusting under Clint's footsteps as he moved away from the pit, which next to the black coffin waiting for its final placement. 

"You!" He pointed at Bucky, his face distorted, his veiled eyes stared at Steve's friend, standing next to the Captain. "How you dare coming here?" 

Bucky didn't answer. He just watched, looking at the black coffin with the well-known red symbol on top. The sign that once meant her, Natasha. 

"I asked something!" Clint pushed hard against Bucky's chest, and he stepped back, not falling. His body trembled with withheld anger. 

"I didn't mean to..." He uttered out with great difficulty. The Avengers were watching him, some with an accusing gaze, some with a sympathetic one. But he did not ask for their pity.

"Sure." Clint breathed sharply. "You didn't mean to ... Still, look where you 'not meaning got' us!" 

"I can see that very well!" He lashed out. He felt Steve's palm on his shoulder but slipped out of the soothing touch. He wanted to rampage. "And I didn't want it to happen, yet it still did!" 

"You couldn't look out for her!" 

Bucky grabbed Clint by the collar of his shirt. 

"Maybe." He hissed irritatedly. "But at least I tried. And where were you? Where? If you were so scared for her why didn't you go with her?!" 

Clint listened intently, his tangled hair hanging into his eyes, which were full of pain and a desire to turn the wheels of time back. But his pupils had grown full of rage. 

Bucky loosened his hold on the other man. "Any time I would have sacrificed myself for her ... I covered her body with my own when the building collapsed, I took her to the quinjet, I wanted to save her, but I couldn't do anything. At least I tried to... " He closed his eyes tightly to hold back a few tears threatening to fall, then let Steven lead him to the coffin. 

He caught Tony's accusatory gaze, Peter's sorry but confused face. Spider-Man barely knew the Black Widow... T'Challa waved at him briefly as Shuri rubbed her eyes emotionally as she stood beside her brother. She felt Bucky's pain. Vision stared stubbornly at him, just the concept of death was hard to process for his mind. Will it also happen to him? Wanda sniffed but didn't cry. She had already let her tears fall at her brother's funeral. Rhodey, with an expressionless face, stood next to Sharon, watching Steve's every move. 

Bucky saw these people first out of the crowd. Of course, there were more of them. 

Matt Murdock sat on one of the branches of the tree stretching above them, his shoulders shook gently as he sobbed. He was Natasha's love. Before or after Clint, Bucky didn't know.

Nick Fury was among the bereaved people with Maria Hill by his side. 

Bucky collected himself and focused on the black coffin. Natasha, Natasha, Nat... He imagined a lifeless face in the dark. The thought made him feel nauseous. 

"Can I see her?" He asked, muttering. 

"What?" Steve leaned closer to him. 

"Can I see her?" 

The Captain looked around in disbelief. The second question was heard by everyone, but no one objected. 

"Yeah." He replied softly. 

Bucky stepped closer to the coffin and carefully lifted its top. He gasped painfully. 

Natasha was beautiful. Her hair was spread out in pure curls, her face radiating peace. There were incurable wounds on her lips and forehead, which someone had tried to cover with a little makeup, but had failed. 

"She is soo beautiful..." Bucky shivered. "Even now." 

He stayed with his lover, even during a long series of speeches. He took her hand in his. As if it mattered... But it didn't. He received only oblique glances for his loyalty to death. He felt disoriented, missing a very important piece in his soul that he could never get back. 

"Mr. Barnes?" The priest tried to draw his attention. "We need to ground the dead." 

"Yeah. I ..." He staggered backward, closing the coffin's black cover. "Sorry." 

Wanda stepped in beside him. Around her hand red beams of energy circled as she lifted the coffin and lowered it into the womb of the earth. 

"You can throw the first handful of land on it." Wanda said, then added: "No one says otherwise. Not even Clint." 

Bucky nodded. He took a handful of dirt from the pile next to the grave. Natasha was gone forever...


	4. Third Phase: Bargaining

_"The mourner in the third phase, if he was unable to face the loss and found no culprit in the second phase, tries to reach a kind of agreement, which may delay the inevitable. In this case, all sorts of questions arise: What would have happened if did this or that differently, etc. The underlying intention of these is to protect the mourner from the painful reality."_

"What if I told her I'd solve it alone?"

"Bucky ..." Steve glanced around in the kitchen of the Avengers' headquarters. He felt this isn't going to be a conversation that anyone else should hear. "Don't start this again."

"But still ..." Bucky elbowed on the marble breakfast counter. There was sleeplessness in his eyes. The "what if" question did not let his mind rest. "I could have done it alone."

"She went with you because she loved you and didn't want to put such a burden on you. Going on a mission alone is a big responsibility." Cap tried to close the subject.

"She shouldn't have loved me..."

"You are right." Clint didn't look nearly as miserable as James, but everyone could see the darkness heavy in his heart. "Matt was even better than you."

Bucky pulled his hoodie over his face and tolerated his companion's words. A choking feeling spread in his chest. Steve noticed this but didn't speak. He knew his friend would hate it if he had to rely on his protection. 

"I take the silence as a sort of agreement." The archer began to prepare his breakfast. "You know, I think I would have been better than you, but we can agree that Murdock is the best." He spat.

"I saved her once when I was the Winter Soldier." Bucky muttered desperately. 

"And why did you find it so difficult to do it a second time?" Clint rolled the bacon strips in his pan with trembling hands. 

"I still do not know." Bucky suddenly felt so bad. Leaning on the counter, he stood up. "I have to go." 

He stormed out of the room. He heard Steve's steps as he ran behind him and then slowed down as he let him run. He needed a walk to clear his head. 

The smoky New York air almost sank into his lungs as he stepped out the door. A cold, breeze struck his cheek. The world hurt, it hurt to exist. Thousands of "What if " sentences screamed cruelly in his head. Enraged, he kicked an empty bottle in front of him, then headed into a direction he didn't know. 

He didn't know how, but he found himself in front of a door. As if time had skipped, it was already dark, and the temperature had turned to negative degrees. A huge neon billboard flickered over his head. He already knew where he was. 

He sighed, breathing white patches of steam into the air. This had to come sooner or later too. Pressing down the door handle, he found the door open. Could he have expected his arrival? 

He warmed up as he climbed to the top floor. He did not choose the elevator, because he needed time to gather his thoughts.

He knocked in front of the apartment while he knew he didn't need to do so at all.

"Come in!"

He stepped in. Matt Murdock was sitting on his couch, with his back to Bucky. He didn't wear his usual shirt, his hair, which had always been so well combed, now tangled. 

"I heard you coming. You don't have to be nervous, I know you are, your heart doesn't beat like this because you choose the stairs instead of the elevator. Sit down, please. 

Bucky sat down, then looked out the window, right at the illuminated billboard. 

"Clint is angry..."

"And I am too." Daredevil breathed sharply. "But unlike him, I'm not angry at you. Natasha's death wasn't your fault."

"But what if ..."

"Thinking about 'What if' never helps. Believe me, I know this feeling. Natasha is not the first person I lost in my life."

"You've known her for a long time?"

"Yeah. Not as much as you, of course." The blind eyes stared bitterly at nothing. 

"Clint thinks you were better than me. And I have to agree with him." Bucky admitted. What kind of a man he is if he is unable to protect the ones he loves? 

"Clint's grief speaks instead of him, while he knows you are the man Nat loved truly. Everybody saw it. Never let anyone say I was better than you."

Bucky loved Natasha with a pure heart. He had no memory of anyone else with whom he has had such an intimate relationship with. And now he felt like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He wanted to cry and cry. 

"Why does it hurt so much?" 

"It always hurts." Matt's lips turned to a bitter smile. - The feeling never goes away, but after a long time, it will subside..."


	5. Fourth Phase: Depression

_"At this stage memories emerge about the decased. The intensity of the symptoms of mourning decreases, rational acceptance intensifies. During this phase, on anniversaries, the symptoms may intensify again. the deceased is intensely mourned by the relative, who may take over the deceased's style, habits. It is often the case that the mourner engages in an internal dialogue with the deceased, to help themselves overcome their grief. The phase is successful if the mourner is able to let go."_

"I dreamed with her tonight." Bucky remarked during an early morning workout. Only Clint was next to him on the shooting range. Every time Tony was asked, he didn't change their schedule. It was uncomfortable for both of them, but they were forced to swallow it all. They couldn't do anything else.

"Well, that's wonderful ..." Clint muttered under his nose then let go of the bowstring. The arrow was drilled straight into the eyes of the dummy forced into the victim role. 

"Don't you have dreams of her too?" The other man tried to find common ground with his company. 

"Yes, but only about what could have happened if I went with her instead of you." 

"Clint, you can't do this forever..."

"Why couldn't I? It's still better than pretending nothing happened."

"If you would remember you would know that by now we would get our asses kicked because we were tearing each other up soo much." Bucky hung his towel over his shoulder and sat on the floor with his back against the wall. 

"I remember. You would get less kicking if she would be still here though." Clint reached for another arrow but realized that he ran out of them. He put his glasses down. 

"Depends on the situation. If I would try to kill you because of the way you are acting with me I would get more kicks."

"And would you?"

"What?"

"Try to kill me."

"No. Why do you think so?"

"You've probably had enough of me in the last few days."

"Other times I would have taken it upon myself. But at these times I understand why you acted the way you did."

"Good to know." Clint hesitantly lowered himself onto the ground next to Bucky. "How long has it been?"

"Half a year"

"Half a year." The archer murmured. 

"Now I can think of her and it doesn't hurt... "Bucky sighed."Not so much, at least."

"Same here." Confessed Clint. "But so far, it felt easier to hate you. However well we worked together for years before the accident." 

The ex Winter Soldier snorted. 

"Do you think you almost killing both of us during every mission is good work?" 

"Yeah. Is there peace now?" 

"I wasn't angry with you for a second."

"Good." Clint offered his hand, which Bucky accepted without hesitation. "Good to be in peace with you again Barnes."


	6. Fifth Phase: Acceptance

_"The moment that loss no longer captures the mourner's every moment, a new relationship with the world and themselves may begin to form. In this phase, the deceased still lives on in the mourner's memories, but at the same time, they are able to live a stable life. They can rejoice in the beauties of life, have no sense of guilt, have life goals and plans to accomplish them. They renew social relationships, the bodily symptoms of grief may subside. Many mourners might feel emotionally weak or vulnerable after the five phases, while others feel stronger and are ready to close this chapter of their life."_

Bucky's back flushed with the cold gravestone, his soul crushed by momentary weakness. His lungs were pierced with pain, but he didn't want to cry, after all this time he felt he should be stronger. Natasha died as a hero, so he should remember her accordingly. But after a full year, he was unable to do so. Maybe he should let go; Natasha has always been his lover for him and not the Black Widow.

"What do you think I should do?" He asked the silent granite tombstone, with a faint hope on his face as if waiting for an answer. 

"That's what I thought." He agreed to the answer that didn't exist. 

He was not supposed to be at the cemetery at all, but it was on his way home so he was unable not to pay a visit. Even at six o'clock in the morning, when the sun came up on the horizon and when dew still covered the grass, which successfully soaked his soiled pants. 

Although Fury destroyed all his files, he occasionally returned to the S.H.I.E.L.D. He needed to do something with himself, and working also helped him overcome his grief. He was barely in touch with Steve. According to the Captain, he had changed radically, but he stayed hopeful about him finding his old self again. However, Bucky saw very little chance of that, because he felt that an important part of his soul was resting under the tombstone with Natasha. He started to accept the huge changes in his life, he was ready to get to know his new self. But he doubted he would find new love, for he would never meet a woman like her again. He knew one thing; he didn't want to die alone. He admitted to himself that there would be moments still when he might need someone's help, care, maybe even love. 

"What are you thinking this much about dude?" He was addressed by a voice that was all too familiar. "I can see the gears turning in your cyborg head."

"Clint?" Bucky raised his gaze to the man standing above him. 

"The one and only." Clint sat down into the grass. "How long have you been here?"

"An hour, maybe?"

"Then you came early." The blonde admitted. 

"I'm just off from work". Bucky looked again at his dirty clothes. 

"Everything went smoothly?" 

"As usual."

For a moment, both of them listened to the silence. 

"Murdock's not coming?" Bucky finally asked. 

"I do not think so." Clint shrugged. "He may have been already here, we just didn't notice." 

"If _you_ didn't notice him we are in trouble"

"That's true." The archer began thinking. "That was the first year without her, how many more will come? What do you think?"

"I don't want to think about that."

"Don't you believe that we will see her again?"

"I don't know what to believe in anymore." Bucky forced a half-smile on his lips. "I believed in America, the Hydra, the S.H.I.E.L.D., then in Steve and Natasha. And all of them left me." 

"You must find something that you can believe in again. Everyone needs to hold onto something." 

"Well, then ..." Bucky's eyes ran over the letters engraved into the gravestone. "I believe that I will see Natasha again."


End file.
